The Joker
by musicgal3
Summary: The Jellicle Junkyard has always had a few jokers, but lately there has been an addition...and it is a cat who would never be suspected of being a prankster. Soon the junkyard has turned into absolute chaos as everyone takes up practical joking.
1. The Joker

**The Joker**

**CHAPTER 1: The Joker**

"MUNGOJERRIE!"

The tom skittered away with a giggle, pleased with the outcome of his latest prank. Yes, he was practical joker, and an irrepressible one at that. His jokes weren't always the most original, but they were certainly always the most effective. The chief reason for his success was that nobody ever suspected him of such behaviour, and so his pranks were always blamed on one of the younger cats, such as Mistoffelees, Mungojerrie or Rumpelteazer. On occasion, even the Rum Tum Tugger was blamed…although the Tugger didn't usually pull pranks himself; instead, he merely directed Mistoffelees as to what he wanted to occur.

Inside the den from which the tom had just scampered, another tom was growling, quite upset with the outcome of the latest prank that that rascal, Mungojerrie, had just pulled on him (or so he believed). "That freak," he spat angrily.

"Who are you calling a freak today?"

The tom looked up to see his soon-to-be-mate, Victoria, entering his den.

Noticing his angry glare, Victoria walked up and gently placed her paw on his arm. "What's the matter, Plato?"

"Oh, just Mungojerrie up to his old tricks," sighed the tom.

"What did he do this time?"

"This." Plato showed Victoria a pile of chewed-looking papers with splashes of colour on.

"Oh, no, not your photo album!" cried Victoria, slightly distressed at the revelation.

"Yes," replied Plato bitterly, "my photo album. _Our_ photo album."

Despite herself, Victoria almost smiled. Plato had insisted that, when the two became mates, Victoria would be as rightful an owner of his photo album as himself. However, while they were mates-to-be, Victoria still had honorary ownership of the album, as there were photos of her in it also. All the queen said in reply, however, was "Oh, Plato…"

The tom dropped the ruined book on the floor and sank onto his bed. "I hate him! All our memories, gone! Ruined! Just like that."

Meanwhile, the giggling tom had settled down in the shade under a pile of junk, flicking through the book he held in his paws. He took great interest in the photographs as he flicked through the many thick pages of the volume, smiling at some, guffawing at others. When he had finished with the book for the time being, the tom fled back to his den and hid it underneath his pillow (at least, he tried to – the pillow was too small to cover the whole album, but the tom didn't mind). Grinning and pleased with his catch of the day, he walked out into the centre of the junkyard, where he and the rest of the Jellicle tribe lived, and he began acting normal once again.


	2. Business Dealings

**CHAPTER 2: Business Dealings**

"Again?" the small, black-and-white tom whined.

"You haven't done this one before. Well, not for me, anyway," the Rum Tum Tugger smirked.

"I was referring to your hiring me," replied Mistoffelees flatly.

"Oh. Yes, again. Are you up for it?"

"What's in it for me?"

"What?" cried Tugger, taken aback. This was new.

"What's in it for me?" repeated Mistoffelees.

"Uh…" Tugger scratched his head, thinking rapidly. What would the young magician want? And what could Tugger give him? A larger den? No, Mistoffelees loved his own den as it was. New bedding? No, he probably wouldn't appreciate that, either. The only other thing Tugger could think of that Mistoffelees would want was…a queen. But how could he get him a queen? He could get _himself_ any queen he wanted with a click of his perfectly-manicured tom claws, sure. But for someone else? And which queen would he convince? He knew that Mistoffelees had his eye on Victoria, his best friend, but he also had his eye on Jemima. And Demeter. And Bombalurina. Well, there was no way Mistoffelees was getting Bombalurina! Demeter would be difficult to get, too, since she was mates – and _soulmates_ – with Munkustrap. However, Victoria and Jemima, admittedly the two most beautiful of the kittens, might not be so difficult… "I'll get you any queen you want!"

Mistoffelees' eyes went wide in shock. He had only been half-joking, and this was certainly not the reaction he had expected. _Gee, Tugger must be getting desperate for my help! _Mistoffelees almost chuckled to himself, but retained his surprised expression. "Really?"

Tugger groaned inwardly. _Uh-oh…_ What had he gotten himself into? "Uh, yeah, sure, any queen," he said, forcing a smile.

"What if I can't decide which one I want?" Mistoffelees asked curiously. "What if I want two?"

At this query, Tugger almost fainted, but he couldn't say he hadn't already thought of that. He'd just hoped he could avoid it. Obviously not. "Um, can't you just choose _one_?"

"But you see," began Mistoffelees, walking closer to the older tom and circling him, "I like _two_ and I can't decide who I like better."

"Oh…" Tugger was beginning to feel extremely uncomfortable.

"Haven't you ever been in that situation before?"

"Uh, yeah, I guess…" Tugger replied, remembering the days when he had been chasing after Bombalurina and Demeter, the stunning twins. He smiled to himself. He was ever-so-glad he had finally decided to focus his attentions on Bombalurina. Demeter belonged with Munkustrap. Not that she had ever given Tugger the time of day. Even as his sister-in-law, things were often pretty tense between the two. In fact, they were always practically at each other's throats. Tugger's attention snapped back to Mistoffelees as the small tom spoke again.

"Difficult, isn't it? They're both terribly pretty, and both very talented in their respective ways. They're kind, shy, polite, loving, caring, gentle…everything I'd want in a queen. I'm sure they would also both be very compatible with me."

"Well, hurry up and decide which one," Tugger said impatiently, crossing his arms and tapping his hind paw.

"Oh, but I've already reached my decision."

"Then why couldn't you just _tell_ me instead of rabbitting on about queens?" Tugger virtually exploded.

"It helped me," responded Mistoffelees, looking hurt.

"So who's it to be?" Tugger asked slightly more calmly.

Mistoffelees hesitated as if to make sure the name he was about to say was that of the queen whom he _really_ wanted. He was thoroughly enjoying this. After what seemed like an eternity to Tugger, Mistoffelees finally made his announcement. "Victoria."

"Victoria? You want Victoria? Okay, I'll get you Victoria." He turned to walk off, but Mistoffelees' voice stopped him.

"_And_ I want Jemima."

Tugger turned around again, incredulous. "You seriously want me to get you_ two queens_?!"

Mistoffelees shrugged. "Sure, why not?"

Tugger growled, annoyed. "Fine."

"And another thing –"

"What?" snapped the irritated older cat.

"No bribing them or telling them tall tales about me. Okay?"

"Not that you have any to tell," muttered Tugger under his breath, but he pasted a smile onto his face. "Very well, sir, anything else?" he asked sarcastically with a low bow.

"No, I think that's about it…for now."

Tugger walked off, groaning. Why did it seem that all of the younger kits were beginning to be tougher to deal with – particularly in matters of business - and tougher to impress? They were even starting to stand up to him! It was a Tugger's worst nightmare.


	3. Not So Cool

**CHAPTER 3: Not So Cool**

Mistoffelees rubbed his paws with glee. He had just completed a once-in-a-lifetime accomplishment: He, Mr. Mistoffelees, had taken advantage of the words of _the_ Rum Tum Tugger. That's right, folks, _the_ Rum Tum Tugger.

"What?"

Mistoffelees spun around. "What?" he countered.

"What?"

"What what?"

Cassandra rolled her eyes. "This could go on forever. Why did you mention Tugger just then?"

"I did?" Mistoffelees flushed. He hadn't realized he had spoken aloud.

"Yes…just then," the beautiful, brown Abyssinian queen, who was now extremely confused, replied slowly.

"Oh! I did!"

Cassandra rolled her eyes again.

_She must get a lot of eye exercise,_ Mistoffelees thought as some sort of an explanation tumbled out of his mouth. "I…uh…I…hmmm…I…he offered me something…and, uh, it's kind of…personal…"

"Riiight…" Cassandra gave him one more curious glance before stalking off again.

Mistoffelees sighed. "Blast!" he muttered under his breath.

* * *

Unfortunately, it was half an hour after his business dealings with Mistoffelees and just as a plan was beginning to formulate in his mind when Tugger realized something that threw his whole idea out of whack and made his task even more difficult – _Victoria was to be mated with Plato._

To any random passers-by, the sight of Tugger standing stock-still with his eyes wide in shock and his mouth open in surprise would have been…rather disturbing.

However, for once, Tugger was too engaged in thought to – shock, horror! – care about how he looked to any random passers-by. Slowly, he shook his head in disbelief. _Why? How could he do this to me? He knows Victoria is already happy in almost being mated to Plato – Misto is, afterall, her best friend. How can he still want what – or who – is, to him, unattainable? Surely, he can't want to break Plato's heart…could he? And what if he breaks _hers_? _Tugger was now annoyed and confused at Mistoffelees' actions, but even more angry. What was the kit _thinking_?! Couldn't he just accept that Victoria was only ever going to be his best friend and nothing more? Couldn't he just forget about her romantically and settle his attentions on Jemima? As a father, Tugger would actually be quite pleased to have Mistoffelees mate his daughter. That tom…

Tugger broke out of his reverie to peals of laughter. "What?" he growled sharply.

Tumblebrutus turned him a "Who, me?" look and scampered away quickly with a small smirk on his face.

However, when Tumblebrutus shut himself up, the laughter continued. Tugger whirled around and noticed Pouncival, Electra and Etcetera giggling behind a bush.

Pouncival was the first to notice Tugger's glare, and said complacently, "I never thought I'd see the day when the Rum Tum Tugger ceased to look cool."

Still growling, Tugger rolled his eyes and stalked away. These kittens were becoming much too insolent for their own good.

Unbeknownst to him, a ball of pink yarn unravelled along the ground as he went…

* * *

"'Ow ever did ya manage it, Jerrie?" Rumpelteazer asked, giggling and bouncing up and down with excitement.

Her brother, Mungojerrie, merely grinned. "Oh, it was easy. 'E was lost in thought, see, so orll Oi did was sneak up be-'ind 'im 'n' stick the end through 'is belt, see? Toied a couple a knots 'n' that's orll there was ta it."

Gasping for air through her now-full-on laughter, Rumpelteazer held up her paw. "'Oigh-foive ta that, bro!"

Mungojerrie complied, feeling very proud of himself.


	4. Fright

**CHAPTER 4: Fright**

"Eek!" the beautiful, brown Abyssinian queen squealed as she rushed out of her den.

"Cassandra, what's the matter?" asked Demeter, concerned. She had been passing her sister-in-law's den when she had fled outside, looking like a scared mouse.

"Oh, Demeter, there's – there's – there's a-a-a…w-well, I-I don't know exactly what it is," she confessed, "b-but it really startled me."

Demeter told Cassandra to stay where she was and then cautiously entered the den. She glanced around, but was unable to see anything out-of-the-ordinary. "What did it look like?" she called out to Cassandra.

"Uh…well…I guess it sort of looked like…a _bear_."

Demeter walked around the den and was about to exit when she noticed something fluffy on the ground near the back wall. She moved towards it for a closer look. It was what she was pretty sure she had heard humans call a 'teddy bear', and it was brown. She picked it up and took it outside to show Cassandra. "Is this what you saw?"

Cassandra let out another small shriek.

"Calm down, Cass," Demeter said, biting back a laugh, "it's only a teddy bear. A toy. See?"

Warily, Cassandra took a longer look at the thing. She supposed it looked harmless enough. "But how did it –?" She stopped suddenly, then, with the loudest voice Demeter had ever heard her use, Cassandra yelled out, "MISTOFFELEES!"

Mungojerrie had carefully concealed himself nearby, but made a dash for it when he heard Cassandra yelling. When he was some distance away, he sat down and chuckled to himself. He had thought it was a pretty lame joke, but, all the same, the results were so satisfying. He had managed to scare the most collected queen in the junkyard, and for that he was proud. He only hoped Mistoffelees wouldn't get in too much trouble… _But, as long as _Oi_ don't, Oi'm 'appy._

* * *

Tugger flopped onto the floor of his den and let out a huge sigh. Why did Mistoffelees have to allocate him the hardest of tasks? Tugger let his eyes wander to the ceiling and around the room, before he finally noticed a ball of pink yarn nearby. _Where did that come from?_ Tugger wondered momentarily. He shrugged and reached out for it. _Doesn't matter…it might help me think._ He began to bat it between his paws. _How come _I_ have to risk my tail to get him Victoria…when I already have to set him up with Jemima? Can't he just settle for Jemima? She's pretty enough…perfect enough. Why Victoria as well?_ Tugger suddenly stopped the movement of his paws and looked down at the ball of yarn. _Yarn…pink…yarn…perfect!_ And with that thought, and the ball of yarn, he dashed outside.

* * *

Etcetera stirred slightly and smiled as her face came into contact with soft fur. "Mmm…Tugger…" she murmured sleepily, her eyes still shut tightly.

Her only reply was a grunt, obviously produced in sleep.

The young queen slowly opened her eyes and blinked. She felt a yawn coming and went to stifle it, but found herself unable to move her paw from behind her back. "What the…Tugger? Tugger, why can't I…" She trailed off as she looked at her companion, who by now had awoken, properly for the first time that morning. She frowned. "You're not Tugger."

Her companion rolled his eyes. "Good observation, Etcy," he said dryly.

"But I thought Tugger was here?" asked the confused kitten.

"He was. Looks like he tied us up when we were asleep and left us here."

"Oh. That explains why I can't move." She glanced down at the pink yarn binding her to the chair. "Why would he tie us up?" she asked, tears springing to her eyes at the thought of Tugger being mean to her. "Doesn't he like me?"

"I'm sure he does," the tom quickly reassured her. "It's probably just his lame idea of a joke."

Etcetera hiccupped, then sighed. "So how do we get out of here?"

"I don't know, Etcy. I don't know."


	5. Of Bows and Bindings

**CHAPTER 5: Of Bows and Bindings**

The door to the den swung open, permitting the morning light to further enter into the relative darkness. Demeter stopped short and gasped. "Munku? Etcetera? What happened? Why are you tied up?"

Munkustrap groaned. "Someone's idea of a joke. Where were you last night?"

"I stayed with Cass. She had a nasty fright yesterday and wouldn't let me come home," she explained as she hurried to untie the two. "I'm sorry, Munk. I wasn't expecting anything like this to happen or I would have asked someone else to stay with her."

"Clearly." _I wonder if Cass was in on this as well…_ Munkustrap bit back a moan as he felt the blood rush back to his paws. Rubbing his wrists to get the circulation going, he turned to Etcetera. "Sorry about that, Etcy. You might want to stay close to your mother tonight."

Etcetera bit her lip and nodded, quickly thanking Demeter for untying them before escaping the den.

"Have you any idea who might have done this?" Demeter asked her mate with a nuzzle.

In answer, Munkustrap merely nodded.

* * *

Tugger stretched as he slowly drifted back in to consciousness. He'd had a rather pleasant dream about himself and a certain red queen, and couldn't help but smile to himself in satisfaction.

Rising, Tugger swaggered over to the mirror to check his reflection and straighten his fur before delighting the world with his presence. However, the sight that confronted him was enough to elicit a deafening, ear-piercing, queen-like shriek…

* * *

Mistoffelees immediately burst into the Maine Coon's den. "Tugger, what's wro– oh!" And he promptly burst into an uncontrollable fit of giggles.

Tugger spun on his heel to face the smaller tom, teeth bared and eyes flashing. "Shut up, pipsqueak," he hissed, somehow managing to simultaneously growl threateningly.

"But Tugger!" Mistoffelees gasped in between bouts of laughter. "You look so cute in pink!"

"I'm warning you…"

"The Rum Tum Tugger wears pink bows to bed!" the tuxedo cat sang as he dashed out of the den. "The Rum Tum Tugger has lost all his dignity!"

Tugger faced his reflection once more and groaned. "I can't go out with pink bows all through my fur!" he wailed.

At that moment, Pouncival stuck his head through the door and grinned. "Very tomly, Tugger," he said, letting out a wolf whistle.

Tugger took a swipe at the kitten, which Pouncival barely managed to dodge.

"Bomba's gonna _lurve_ this!" Pouncival called as he disappeared.

"Oh, no, he'd better not…I am seriously gonna kill him and Misto and whoever is responsible for this. And even Bomba if necessary." Tugger sat down and began the tediously long process of ridding himself of his newly-acquired accessories.


End file.
